Have you ever had this feeling that someone is watching you constantly? As if the laws of the universe seem like they are measuring and analysing every step you take. It is eerie to begin with, chaotic subsequently and somehow calm thereafter. Even though this journey is cataclysmic, it eventually leads to a safe place but then you question if there is another way to the same destination; if you can get to coherence without the angst and destruction.

It all began on that fateful Singapore Airlines flight in the year 2008 where I was reflecting upon the life I had lived. I refused anything that the flight attendant brought to me because I was in a mood to think; think furiously at that. I was on the window seat, had a blanket on and had pushed my face away from the crowd to find silence amidst the noise. I didn’t sleep a wink on that entire flight. The flight attendant asked me once if I was ok. I didn’t realize I was being that transparent but I acknowledged that I was fine. I couldn’t tell her I was revisiting my life on that flight and that would mean a few laughs, a few tears, some melancholy and a lot of attitude.

Then, life took a U-turn when I landed in Singapore. It began to come in search of me, as if every object I saw, every person I met and every life I touched had a message for me, a relevance to quote and an action to perform. As I stepped through that maze, the complexity involved with deciphering these thoughts, making sense of them and then acting upon them brought about chaos.

Dealing with chaos was unlike anything I had experienced before. I had always been an introvert and a reticent individual but this state of chaos led me to anger and despondency. Heartbreak was tough enough to deal with but chaos was far worse. Imagine, the neurons constantly thinking through every word and every meaning, not allowing the mind any rest. Tired eyes, numb body but an aggressive brain can be quite a handful but it helped me understand the strength of the mind, if channelled effectively.

‘I will’ can mean many things to many people. To me, it is a testament of ambition, courage and perseverance. As I traverse through my world of chaos towards a semblance of calm, I realize that the milestones left behind will not make a comeback; that means I will need to revisit, reshape and rebuild every aspect of life that I dreamt of in the past. I can live the life of an architect in that sense, the only difference being I would rather allow my craft to live on rather than destroy it at every step. I still have some way to go to find that space but I am beginning to believe that I will get there.

Universe is being kind to me nowadays after the shocks of the past. The wounds have healed; the scars are no longer visible on the anvil of the soul. The winds that touch the skin no longer seem to prick and the sunshine that meets the eye no longer bring forth tears. Inner realm no longer worries about the past or the future, knowing yesterday as past and tomorrow as future. It is a good space to be in you know, not worrying constantly. Chaos still exists but in smaller pockets of the brain where it does its dance but it no longer destroys the creation.

Exploring music has become my new thing. As I move my fingers through the instrument to find the right note, it awakens the soul to a new reality. I’m afraid to dream a dream knowing how I can destroy the reality behind that dream in my thoughts itself but I am allowing myself a chance. I am realistic, hopeful and most importantly, rational this time. Not knowing what the future holds for me, I live my life in the present, fully, as if I belong there. Ghosts from the past do come face to face sometimes but I smile at them as I would at my history teacher. Mrs. Minocha, after all, never cared anyway.