A few months ago, on a routine trip to Mangalore, my car broke down at the Western mountain ranges. Mom and I were visiting an ailing aunt when the spark plugs of the car gave way. For the first fifteen minutes, we were a bit nonplussed as to what to do next. I opened the bonnet of the car as if I knew what I was looking at but closed it as soon as I realised the stupidity of my actions. There was no cell tower in the area and I had to get hold of a tow truck to take the car to the service station in Mangalore. Therefore, the plan was to hitch a ride to the next town, help mom to board a bus to Mangalore and call the helpline number. Fortunately, a cabbie passing by gave us a ride. As we approached the next town, as luck would have had it, I saw two tow trucks parked by the side. After paying the cabbie his due and our gratitude, I went in the direction of the tow trucks while mom prepared to board a bus to Mangalore. It was a strange feeling. The thought of her boarding a bus to go to Mangalore irritated me a bit but I let it stride. The towing company belonged to two Samaritans from Kerala who had settled in the mountain regions of Karnataka and they understood my chaos. While they tangled my car with chains, my spirits dropped; my car had known how to take the winds by its side but not chains. I had to see this, I thought. While I made the journey to Mangalore sitting in front of the tow truck watching my car bounce clumsily at the back, I could not help at the ignominy of the situation. All of this because the spark plugs refused to fire.

Sometimes, these things happen, I told myself while the mechanic replaced the spark plugs at the service station. However, a thought crossed my mind. What would I do if my intrinsic spark plugs refuse to fire? My ability to have a thought, a purpose, a direction and a plan depends on that quintessential spark. If they fail to fire, which mechanic do I go to get a replacement? The question engulfed me. The answer was not easy because it involved dealing with a subject I had not dealt in detail before. I have gone through my phases of depression just like anyone else. I have consulted specialists to deal with my condition also but I have always relied on my will to come out of any given situation. I have always treated myself with care, although allowing the world the benefit of doubt for their opinions and judgements took some time. However the process of getting up from a breakdown always started with a spark. Finding love has been one of them. Learning a new skill has been another but these came to me naturally. I did not do anything specifically to invite them or make myself ready to welcome them. They just came like wind and rain rejuvenating a broken tree. However, I did have will to continue; to know, for certain, that a change is around the corner. That will kept me going.

Sometimes, I look out the window and visualise the cosmos. I do not visualise god or godly actions but universe has its appeal to me. Some say it means the same thing but I like to believe that faith and mystery are two different things even if sometimes the lens to look through them go blur. We talk about being self-aware but that intrinsic thought changes constantly. Who we are today is different from who we were yesterday or who we will be tomorrow because time has passed through us and with that comes knowledge of changing circumstances. Time sifting through us is probably the only constant and in that time, the change that we go through can have serious interpretations for how our future unfolds. I see life unfolding in front of us as multiple ripples across the universe with some bringing us into its fold and some keeping us away. We could be the creators, propagators or terminators of these ripples with every termination equivalent to losing a spark plug. Unlike automobiles, the spark plugs in human beings are not time bound. They could fail anytime, anywhere and at any stage of human development. The breakdowns or setbacks we face need care and attention. We are not trees but frail climbers who need a ground to bank upon, a vision to look up to and energy to march towards that vision. Without these, our defence mechanism to the loss of spark plugs is weak and if life takes us on a spiral fall, then, outcomes could be catastrophic. Our mind is our most trusted friend but it could also be our most fearful fiend. The missing ‘r’ in this case makes all the difference.

We are going through difficult times. There is morbidity and death everywhere. Countries are waging war. People are losing their loved ones, their jobs and their will to fight the demons in their head. These are spiralling circumstances, which needs new spark plugs to fire at the loss of old ones. In the past, I used to think that I was enough for everything that was about me but I was wrong. I am not enough, not even a little bit. When I realised that, universe began to trust me with ripples that I would create and perpetuate rather than terminate. It sent me people who became my support system. It sent me light that would pierce through the forest so I could look up to find a path, clear enough so I could climb the next step. I began to win most of the battles of my mind. I would lose a few here and there but they were inconsequential in the scheme of things.

Going back to the story of spark plugs that wouldn’t fire, I had the ill luck of my car breaking down again at very nearly the same place (spooky, isn’t it!) while driving with mom and parents of my very good friend. We were on our way to a pilgrim town nested in the hills and the issue this time was a broken canister. Though there may be analogies linking broken canisters to human beings but I’ll reserve that for a future time. For now, I seriously need to consider buying a new car.